I don’t know since when, or how, I start to question the meaning of everything. For example, why all these hatred and stress because of some annoying people? Are they worth my attention? Why all these consumptions? Hanging out eating drowning yourself in the abundance of goods. Why all these gossips we tell each other everyday? Why all this anxiety about being successful and getting a job and being a part of the system?
The leaves are falling and covering the ground. The nuts follow them and lay comfortably on them. To most people, they are insignificant. Season changing is only an accessory for social networks. Yet I find that they are the only things that matter. They just exist, naturally, without trying to show off, without wasting their energy in meaningless things, without being concerned about why they exist.
Materialism. Consumption. Greed. All that kills humanity. I rarely see people around me who are not corrupted in some way. Someone truly genuine. Sometimes I can’t stand being around people because I don’t know why I should be with them, but if not, where should I be instead?
Yesterday I saw a guy on the street with a guitar and a dog. I regret I didn’t approach to talk to him. But then I thought, I only wanted to do so because it was a young man. If it were an old man or a woman or a disable person or a migrant, would I regret? To talk to him would just be an egoist move that results from my idealised perception of the world, the consequence of consuming too many Hollywood movies.
Shortly before that, in the afternoon, when I was waiting at the distributor to get some cash, I was going to give the man sitting there some pennies. But then I thought I just wanted to do so to feel good about myself. So I changed my mind.
No matter what I do, it would just be :
- either a conformism to social norms
- or the result of a vision of the world shaped by mainstream media
- or an egocentric act that benefits first and foremost myself
That being said, I’m perfectly aware I’m not better than anyone. I only try not to kid myself. I do think our life is not our own.